The Edge
What's in a name?
Posted by Aubrey Knight on March 20, 2012
Note: The names and logos have been blurred to protect the guilty parties.
Scene 1. Interior. Corporate overlords gather in their dark, ominous boardroom of doom, colloquially known as The Boardoom. A peal of thunder is heard from outside as dark clouds gather across the sky.
EXEC 1: Now that we've created this amazing new updated version of our bestselling device, it's time to figure out how to market it. Let's vote on a name!
EXEC 2: Well, we have several previous generations of this same device, so we need to distinguish it.
EXEC 1: Nonsense! Every version of this device is a completely different size so why would we need to distinguish it?
EXEC 3: I agree! We should keep the exact same name! It won't be confusing to anyone, especially when shopping for accessories! Plus I like money!
EXEC 2: But I think it might be a good idea to consider the customer's perspe--
EXEC 3: (enraged) No! We vote now! All in favor?
EXECS: (all together) Aye!
EXEC 1: All opposed?
(Silence).
EXEC 2: Looks like you win again, Mr. Smith. Device number 10934.39 will forever be marketed as simply "Device." But at what cost? AT WHAT COST, MAN?!
Pictured: The overseers of the worst naming committee meeting ever.*
Scene 2. The real world. A helpful, friendly M-Edge customer service rep is on the phone with a customer.
CUSTOMER: Hi! My name is Alonso and I need to return my jacket because it's the wrong size. I wanted it for the 6.283 inch screen version.
REP: I'm sorry about that! Unfortunately there are lots of different versions of this device that all have 6.283 inch screens, but the body of the device is a different size.
CUSTOMER: Mine is the white one. Does that help?
REP: Okay, that helps narrow it down a bit. There are only 15 versions with that screen size that come in white. When did you purchase your device?
CUSTOMER: It was a long time ago. I don't quite remember.
REP: No worries, we'll figure it out! Does your device have the button shaped like a triangle that beeps like a monkey when pressed?
CUSTOMER: No, the button on my device is shaped like a tetrahedron and squawks like a hamster when you press it.
REP: Right, so that narrows it down to just 13 versions. The white devices with the hamster-squawking buttons were released in the year 2525. Does that sound about right?
CUSTOMER: I believe so, yes, because that was the year my nephew graduated from Star Fleet Academy and the device was a gift for him.
REP: Now on the back of the device in the upper left hand corner on the right side, is there a logo that looks like a square trying to smush itself into a circle?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
REP: Great! I have determined that you definitely have device version 393.109. I would be happy to send you a link to the products that fit your specific device.
CUSTOMER: Wow, thank you! It was so easy to figure out what version of the device I have. I'm so incredibly ecstatic that the device manufacturers decided to give this version the same name as all the others!!
REP: Me too, Alonso. Me too.
Fin.
*Photo borrowed from outside source. Not a real naming committee meeting photo.
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